Summer 2010

The Importance of Stating Needs When Communicating
By Toini Morgan

Effective nonviolent communication can improve our lives by helping us avoid conflict, and instead create a mutually satisfying connection with the people in our lives.  In Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.’s book, “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life,” Rosenberg identifies the four components of nonviolent communication as observations, feeling, needs and request.

 

First, we observe what action we see that is affecting us.  Second, we state how what we are observing makes us feel.  Next, we identify which of our needs are connected to that feeling. Last, we request a concrete action that will enrich our lives.

 

For example, a mother may observe that her teenage son has returned home at midnight when his curfew is 10 p.m.  She states to her son that she feels worried and scared because she needs to know that her son is safe and secure.  She requests that the next time her son goes out, he ensures he is home by curfew or that he call and let her know he is safe if he is running late.  

 

It is important for us to articulate the basic human needs behind our feelings in order for the other person to be able to empathize with our situation and recognize our universal humanity.  In the above situation, the mother indicated that she was worried for her son’s safety.  Instead of simply telling her son she was angry that he was late, she connected her feelings of being worried and scared to the basic human needs of safety and security. 

 

By telling her son the needs behind her feelings, she lets him know that it is not his behavior that causes her feelings, but rather her own internal needs.  This lets her son know that she is not blaming him for her feelings.  “The more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately to our needs,” writes Rosenberg.

 

When our needs are met, we have positive feelings.  When our needs are not being met, we have negative feelings.  Dr. Rosenberg states, “Over and over again, it has been my experience that, from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased.” 

 

If we are dealing with someone who is expressing a negative feeling, we can try to guess the need that caused that feeling in the other person.  Once we identify that need, we gain clarity about what is going on under the surface and can then attempt to fulfill the need.    

 

For example, a career-minded woman turned stay-at-home mom tells her friend, “I should do more with my life.  I have a master’s degree and I am not even using it.”  Oftentimes in reaction to such a statement, people may try to be polite and encouraging, saying something such as, “But you’re a mom now.  You’re doing a lot with your life.”  However, although this may be a positive statement intended to try to get the new mom to see the good things in her life, it isn’t a statement that attempts to get to the root of what her needs are.   

 

If her friend senses there is more to the stay-at-home mom’s statement, she can try to reflect the feelings back to her.  “Are you saying that you feel discouraged that you are not being as fulfilled as you were when you were focusing on your career?” she asks.

 

Simply having this empathetic reaction instead of a dismissal of her feelings causes the stay-at-home mom to open up.  “Yes, I do feel that way.  And I am worried that if I try to find part-time work, my child may not be well taken care of.  I would like to be reassured that there is a good daycare provider I can trust to take care of my child if I choose to go back to work.” 

 

Once the stay-at-home mom has voiced these feelings and needs, not only has she opened up an honest dialogue with her friend, but she has also been able to give a name to the feelings and needs that may not have been clear to her before.  She may still be faced with the practical challenges of how to meet her needs, but now that she has recognized those needs she has a much greater chance of fulfilling them.

 

Effective nonviolent communication is not only about expressing our own needs, but also about striving to understand the needs of those we interact with.  By acknowledging the basic human needs that connect to each feeling, we develop a foundation for more satisfying and positive relationships. 

 

When we can use the language of nonviolent communication to effectively express our own feelings and needs as well as to understand and empathize with the feelings and needs of others, we move toward building mutually satisfying relationships based on honesty and empathy.