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January 2009

Simple Steps to Restorative Parenting

By Brenda McChesney

Parenting within a restorative process is a proactive approach, rather than reactive, involving the following steps to assist with creating a restorative family environment:

 

Step 1- Empower with Enforceable Statements

· Convey needs with clarity, love and assertiveness

· Teach children how to make their own decisions

· Set firm limits and clear boundaries with compassion and care

 

Step 2- Diffuse with Redirection

· Change paradigm from punishment, rewarding, and permissiveness

· Redirect situations with cooperation, collaboration, and responsibility

· Use brainstorming with all members of family to develop community ownership, empathy, and reparation

 

Step 3- Teach with Natural & Logical Consequences

Logical Consequences are:

· Related to the misbehavior

Within the past couple of years there has been a movement surging throughout the judicial and educational systems. It’s name, Restorative Justice. The concept spans from international reconciliation commissions for crimes against humanity to kindergarten classroom restorative circles for peer to peer conflict. Each restorative circle seeks to answer the following questions: What happened? (Violation) What was the harm and who was affected? (Responsibility) What need to be done to repair the harm? (Resolution) The intent of these questions is create an understanding and accountability of one’s actions, how our social realm is affected by it, build empathy, repair rela

tionship and reintegrate back into community setting. These goals are achieved by moving from a paradigm of coercion to healing, from solely individual to individual to include collective accountability, from primary dependence on the state (parental authority) to greater self-reliance within the community and family, and from justice as “getting even” to justice as “getting well.”   

 

The Conflict Center has researched the leading parenting and restorative theories and coupled it with our 21 years of experience and expertise to develop a family approach to teaching respect, responsibility, repair, relationships, and reintegration.  The restorative paradigm for parenting is intended to use the best of excellent parenting techniques and incorporate the restorative values of empathy, accountability, making things right for everyone in the family. Restorative discipline values respect and repairing the harm when things have gone wrong. Restorative discipline values the role of the parent to teach and use logical and natural consequences for behavior. RD respects the need for the parent to set developmentally appropriate limits as well as engaging the kids in limit setting.

· Keys concepts to remember

 

Bad Behavior- act that violates another family member and has both individual and familial dimensions of responsibility

Accountability- assuming responsibility & taking action to repair the harm caused

Punishment (alone)- not effective in changing behavior, is disruptive to family harmony and good relationships

Person offended/harmed is central to the process of resolving conflict

 

· Restorative Circle Sequence

 

1. Open Circle and Purpose of meeting (discuss problem, responsibility, repair harm)

2. Agreement of meeting (no interruptions, blaming, attacking, use talking piece to take turns sharing)

3. Share stories (identify concerns, needs, interests)

4.   Brainstorm/Generate solutions

5. Reach an agreement (each person may have different actions that are agreed upon)

6.   Closing circle (appreciation)

· Options that permit choice

· Concerned with the present & future, not past

· Objective

· Impersonal; they imply no element of personal, moral judgment

· Display respect with a tone in voice that is friendly and implies good will

 

Step 4- Repair with Restorative Circles

· Rather than seeking to resolve problems through Punitive Discipline approach:

· What rule was broken? (Violation)

· Who broke the rule? (Responsibility)

· How should they be punished?(Resolution)

 

· Replace your problem solving with Restorative Discipline lens:

 

- What happened and what was the harm? (Violation) What happened?

- Who is responsible? (Responsibility) What was the harm?

- What needs to be done to repair the harm? (Resolution)